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Are You Setting Boundaries or Just Building Walls?

  • 2 days ago
  • 2 min read

Your Relationship Health Check


Healthy couple in a healthy relationship

The Fear of Saying No

When we talk about setting boundaries, the image that often comes to mind is one of conflict, anger, or cutting people off. For the Tender Homemaker, the fear of hurting others, especially family, can be paralysing.


Boundaries are not meant to punish or exclude; they are meant to define and protect. A wall is rigid, permanent, and keeps everyone out, leading to isolation. A boundary is flexible, defined, and allows for a healthy, sustainable connection.


Here is how to check if your attempts at self-protection are serving your relationships or simply pushing people away.


Wall vs. Boundary: The Three Differences

Wall vs. Boundary

A wall

A boundary

1) Purpose

Protects you by keeping people out.

Protects you by keeping you well.

2) Communication

Silent, sudden, or punitive: people feel cut off without clarity.

Clear and kind: people know what’s okay and what isn’t.

3) Flexibility

Rigid and permanent, even when the situation changes.

Firm but adjustable, based on trust, context, and safety.


The Boundary Health Checklist

If you are setting a boundary, run it through this quick check:


1. Is the boundary about my behaviour, or theirs? 

Healthy boundaries manage what you will accept or do; unhealthy boundaries try to control what you do. Example: "I will leave the party at 9 PM," vs. "You must stop asking me about money."


2. Can I enforce this calmly? 

If the thought of enforcing it makes you defensive, you might be too close to burnout. Go back and rest first.


3. Have I communicated it clearly, not just implied it? 

Clarity is kindness. People cannot honour a line they do not see.


Your Boundary Micro-Ritual

The "Where Does It Hurt?" Check-In:

Before saying "yes" to any new request (a social event, a new chore, a financial commitment), pause for 10 seconds.


• Ask yourself:

  1. If I say yes to this, where will the pain show up later?

  2. Will it take away my only rest hour?

  3. Will it cause financial anxiety?

• If the answer is pain:

The answer to the request is a kind, firm "No, but thank you for thinking of me."


Boundaries are not barriers to love; they are the framework within which love can be sustained without burnout.

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